The Ultimate Book of Heroic Failures by Stephen Pile

Author:Stephen Pile
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
ISBN: 9780571277308
Publisher: Faber
Published: 2011-10-19T22:00:00+00:00

The Worst Ballroom Dancer

The outstanding ballroom dancer of his generation, John Sergeant was invited to appear on Strictly Come Dancing, the BBC’s celebrity cavort-and-caper contest. With odds of 100–1 to win, and only known hitherto as a serious political journalist, he was enormously promising from the start.

In no time he was doing some staggeringly beautiful moves. No one who saw it will ever forget his paso doble in full Mexican rig. Dragging his partner across the floor ‘like a sack of potatoes’ while stamping his feet, he made the occasional surging trot with a fixed lugubrious expression that hovered between concentration and the most magnificent boredom.

The panel of studio judges were quick to see his vast potential: ‘His posture is wrong, his feet are turned in, he hasn’t got the rise and fall, his head’s on one side. In terms of dance, everything is wrong with it.’ They also pointed out that while other performers were constantly practising, John sat and read the Guardian. ‘We’ve never had anyone this bad who has gone this far.’

Week after week increasingly shirty judges placed him last only to be overruled by the adoring public, who voted to keep him on the show. ‘As time went on, it became increasingly obvious that I might win,’ he said. ‘That is a frightening thought for me.’ His odds fell to 10–1.

When he announced his resignation from the contest, the BBC was instantly flooded with complaints. There was a massive press conference, a report on the national TV news and a week-long newspaper debate over whether his complete lack of rhythm and skills should be any bar to his continuation in the contest. Lord Mandelson, the secretary of state for industry, broke off from government business to say, ‘He should not bow out. He has become the People’s John Travolta.’

There was such uproar that Mr Sergeant was invited to dance a farewell waltz that stole the show. He won a long standing ovation.

The next series contained his only genuine rival, Ann Widdecombe MP. As one judge put it, she has ‘two left feet, is three quarters bosom and dances like a tugboat pulling the Ark Royal up the Clyde’. One critic enthused: ‘The producers put her on last so you were forced to watch the really good dancers as a sort of boring canapé before you got the gorgeous main course.’

Miss Widdecombe said she wanted to ‘fly like Dumbo’ when she danced the tango. She became the first contestant to be lifted off the floor in a harness.

‘I turned down Strictly six times. I didn’t think I could do it,’ she told reporters. ‘Then I saw John Sergeant. He broke the mould.’

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